Behavior Problems?

What types of behavior problems are common among children?
There are two basic categories of misbehavior: willful and non-willful. Willful misbehavior is when a child does something he know he shouldn’t do, but does it anyway. Examples are physical assaults (e.g. hitting, kicking, etc) and verbal disrespect (e.g. screaming, arguing, refusing, and name calling). Non-willful misbehavior is when a child does not do something he knows he should, or has agreed to do. Although done unintentionally or without thinking, it annoys, frustrates, and angers others. Examples are agreeing to complete a task and taking too long because of distractions or not doing the task at all because of “forgetting”. Both willful and non-willful behaviors provoke negative responses, but only willful misbehaviors are intended to do this.

Why do children misbehave?
Willful misbehavior is often committed by strong willed, overly rigid, or aggressive children. They are done to annoy, punish, provoke a reaction, seek revenge, obtain a desired object, or avoid an undesired task. The child often feels angry, may not be remorseful, and may claim, “It’s your fault!” Non-willful behaviors are done unconsciously and tend to occur in children who are impulsive and easily distracted. The child typically feels frustrated when they are punished because they meant to follow through but failed. Their self esteem can suffer and they may begin to perceive themselves as “stupid” or say “I can never do anything right.”

How is the best way to handle willful misbehaviors?
Clear rules are needed to specify what behaviors are expected and what consequences will occur if the rules are broken. For example, a typical home rule might be “not hitting/hurting” and “no rude talk”. A typical consequence for breaking the rules is a brief time out (about a minute per year of age). Ideally, you could warn the child of the consequence when this behavior begins to escalate. It also helps to coach the child regarding an alternative good choice he or she could make to deal with the situation appropriately. If the child insists on challenging you or breaks the rule, you need to implement the consequence swiftly and without further discussion. Use a normal tone of voice and stay as calm as possible to avoid further emotional escalation.

What if the child refuses to comply with the consequence?
Younger children may have to be physically escorted to the time out area and then firmly told “stay here until I tell you to get out.” Return them to the time out area if they bolt, but avoid further discussion. Actions really do speak louder than words! Avoid physical confrontation with older children. Instead, inform them that until they comply with the consequence, all of their privileges are revoked – including TV, computer, phone, friends, etc. If they complain, use the broken record technique to remind them, “I’ll be glad to reinstate your privileges as soon as you comply.” Other logical consequences, such as chores and longer privilege removal are options for older children and teens for disrespect, curfew violation, lying, and other forms of acting out.

What is the best way to handle non-willful misbehaviors?
Punishment is not very effective and can even escalate the situation. Structure and rewards work best. Develop a plan to address the specific problems, like not getting ready on time in the morning, or not doing homework or chores. Break the task down into simple steps and encourage the child by noticing any effort to comply. It is critical to pay attention to the positives rather than focusing on shortcomings and failures. Give them lots of hugs, wows, and “attaboys” as incentives to change. Young children can earn stickers, stamps, small toys, and enjoyable activities. Teens can earn car, phone, or computer privileges or needed cash. It isn’t necessary to use material rewards, but it makes sense to encourage children to “earn” desired objects rather than spoiling them with too much free stuff. It also helps teach kids to prioritize their wants and needs and appreciate the value of a dollar.

What can parents do if these basic techniques don’t work?
Consult a behavior specialist. Your child may have a specific condition that needs to be addressed. For example, attention or learning problems, sensory integration dysfunction, a mood or anxiety disorder, etc. A thorough exam, proper diagnosis, and specialized behavior modification plans are needed to address these issues. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help!

Dr. Susan Istre, LPC has been in a private counseling practice in Dallas for over 12 years. She is currently the Director of the Center For Social Success, with offices in Dallas, Plano, and the Shelton School. Dr. Istre and her ten staff therapists provide a broad range of services to children, adolescents, and adults. For more information, see her website at www.dristre.com or call 972-404-3001.